Dear Readers. Warning, the following blog is going to be written on the spot at 1:30am, no editing, no second readings, no proof reading. It's from the heart and going to be on the internet. And I've thought about it and I'm okay with it. (Which isn't entirely sensible since I'm slightly under the influence of alcohol).
Today I spent the majority of the day with some wonderful people from my work on Waiheke Island off Auckland and I had so much fun. According to karma, clearly it was a sign things were going to go wrong. Horribly wrong.
After I came back to Auckland from the island, I went out with two other people from work. These are two great guys who like a bit of fun and who care for me and none of the following is meant to be disparaging to them at all. We went drinking at a place called the Steamship and then later one of them says "We should go to Mermaids". Mermaids is a dodgy strip joint in Auckland. Last place in the world I wanted to go, but since I don't really want to spoil other people's fun, I consented to go. Seriously folks, naked people dancing sounds scandalous and titillating, but it's really terribly boring and degrading to watch (both for them and for you).
Things were just harmless for a while until my friends decided to buy me a lapdance with one of the girls. At about $80 for 10mins, this is what you'd call a generous gift and they were just trying to be nice to the single, friendly, geeky, loser on the floor. I was terribly uncomfortable with this and said so, but they insisted. I got half way and whilst the girl was attempting to clear the payment, I backed out, was very apologetic and went back. The girl was upset (at missing payment), but one of my friends 'volunteered' to go up instead. My other friend was very impressed and said so. He was like he had never met someone with such a moral compass, who was so friendly, etc, etc. With my ego boosted and in a moment of weakness, I told him about the girl I am dating back home and said "You know what, I'm a great person and if after 5 dates she doesn't want to kiss me, when I get back, its over".
If it ended here, this would be a great (lame) story and I'd be a hero.
It didn't.
About 15 minutes later, another girl comes over (being bought by my friends) and unfortunately my friends had picked the one I had mentioned was the prettiest, which weakened my resolve. She dragged me upstairs before I could protest and because I'm a non-confrontational person, I didn't want to make a fuss in the bar and followed. The next ten minutes were...awkward. I made the appropriate 'moves' to make her feel like she was doing her job and tried to be friendly and nice, asking questions about her life, hopes and dreams etc, but I was pretty far from aroused.
I came downstairs after wards later and my friend took one look at me and went "You're not too angry with me are you?" and of course diplomatically I answered "It's OK. You were just trying to do right by me". They got dragged into some other private show after and I used the opportunity to escape. I got in a cab, went straight home and after 4 years, I cried like a freaking girl.
Why?
Not only did my moral compass fail and I did something I didn't want to, but my original position stands. I'm a person who believes in loving someone before 'loving someone', but after my first (and only) girlfriend, everyone I meet ends up making me their friend. The current girl who I truly like, is almost certainly not attracted to me as a boyfriend and I'm going to have to dump them and return to being a no-hope loser. And no longer do I have the moral high ground, because I'm just a sleaze who ends up in strip joint. I can't blame women for not liking me, because at the end of the day, something isn't quite right with me if I just constantly turn women from potentials into a steady stream of (admittedly awesome) friends. I don't know what it is the problem, I don't want (or think I can) rewire myself to be something else and frankly as much as I said before, I don't want to die alone surrounded by my huge group of friends. I'd much rather die knowing someone had loved me and chosen me as the person they want to spend their life with.
That's all dear readers. I'm probably going to regret this post in the morning, but sometimes it has to be done. Regular thoughtful (and infrequent) blog postings will resume shortly.
